Deranged bushmen and dingo babies

In a harsh environment, where the heat and the flies ensure that madness lurks just around the next boulder, myths are born and nurtured.

Explorers in no-man's land are blinded by the light and condemned to a fate without trace in a landscape so vast and hostile that rescue attempts are futile.

Silly giggly schoolgirls come over all mysterious and disappeary on a Victorian Valentine's Day picnic in the bush, some of them never to be seen, or sane, again.

Backpackers are flagged down on a dusty deserted highway in the Territory by a crazed druggie and subjected to an ordeal beyond imagining.

And cultish campers in the mystical Red Centre have their tiny baby whipped from underneath their noses by a devilish dingo.

And so it came to pass this week that one of the most gripping outback mysteries of the last half-century – the disappearance in 1980 of nine-week-old Azaria Chamberlain from a campsite close to Ayers Rock, as it was called then – is set to be reprised. A coroner in the Northern Territory will open a fourth inquest in February to determine the cause of Azaria's death. Her mother was jailed for four years for her daughter's murder back in the 80s before her conviction was overturned. Now she wants her name cleared and has provided 'evidence' that dingoes attack children.

The case divided Australia. Fabulous details embellished the story. (They are easy enough to find online – just type 'dingo baby' into Google – or read the baby's mother's book.) A film was made and Meryl Streep proved once again how good she is at accents.

When animals kill people here – sharks and crocs being the most notorious culprits – the reaction is usually to kill the offender. People dash out to try to track down the Great White that killed a swimmer who ignored the signs warning of the dangers of swimming with sharks. When a boy was attacked and killed on Fraser Island in 2001, the two dingoes responsible were immediately put down and a further 30 dingoes 'hanging around the campsites' were culled to prevent a repeat of the attack. I haven't yet been able to determine whether or not any vengeance was exacted on the Stingray that robbed the nation of one of its great contemporary icons, Steve Irwin, in 2006.

The Fraser Island Dingo is believed to be the purest strain of the animal in Australia. Dingoes migrated from Asia to Australia via a land bridge between 3,000 and 8,000 years ago.

I have two questions. Why on earth would you take a nine-week-old baby camping in the middle of the desert? And how do you educate people to appreciate what they've got before it's gone?

In the meantime, deranged dingoes wouldn't get me to watch Wolf Creek.

Natural wallpaper 3

It must be time for more wallpapering.

Still amazed

Today is one of those still, promise-of-heat sunny mornings. I stand on the balcony and watch diamonds dancing on the water. I have to pinch myself, again. They don't happen as frequently as they used to – these 'ye gods, we're in Australia' moments – but they still strike occasionally. And instantly banish any little niggles waiting in the wings.

About this time last year, I listed some of the things that had made a big impression during my first 12 months in Australia. This may become a tradition.

2011 has seen Brisbane's big flood; mega-sized Cyclone Yasi; the climate-change debate hotting up and a carbon tax passing into law; economic bedlam in Europe; bankers worldwide still getting away with it, but ordinary mortals making their disgruntlement felt; the coal-seam gas debate intensifying, from the Bowen Basin to Blackpool; our moving house; running the Bridge to Brisbane; and my first Ekka.

Meanwhile, our great Australian adventure continues, with a thousand views to stir the soul.

What struck me this year was...

…that my second year passed just as quickly as the first.

…Queensland's level of preparation and provision of advice and ongoing information prior to a severe weather event

…Brisbane's rapid clean-up and re-establishment of normalcy after the Flood

…the spirit in which the people of Brisbane rose to the challenge of helping those most affected, not just in the days immediately following the Flood but for months afterwards

…how quickly the CityCats were up and running again (more than half after just 12 weeks) and what a joy it was to welcome them back.

...just how many dogs in Oz there are, and how many of them are little white dogs (like Chaz, below), and how many owners leave them to bark for hours in backyards and on balconies with very little complaint from neighbours, it seems

…but how few cats there are in Brisbane.

...how much the cityscape changes according to weather and light

...and how wondrous clouds are (especially the 'drowning cloud', below but two).

...how on earth Brisbane City Council allow jet skis to race up and down such a busy river

…and Byron Shire Council think it necessary to collect rubbish every day, including Sundays, at 6am or earlier.

…how easy it is to change the habits of a lifetime and:

never wear a watch

go months without buying clothes; OK, weeks

iron shirts

become a lady who lunches on Wednesdays

(almost embarrassingly often).

…that skyscrapers can be so photogenic.

…that there are even more Aussie rules than I thought

…and moving house in an exotic location is every bit as tedious as it is at home.

…the rate at which Opposition leader Tony Abbott's ears (not his nose) are growing (sorry TA),

…that Julia Gillard held on to her prime ministry against all odds,

…and that Anna Bligh – Premier of Queensland and descendant of William Bligh – gets about so much (and wears so many different kinds of hat).

...bat plants (again)

…and the fact that whale-watching was even more awesome the second time around.

…that a serious storm approaching can be exhilarating as well as terrifying.

Marijke Doldersum, Easy Done

…the blossoming of Brisbane.

…the cheek and greed of hoteliers who expect 100 per cent of the high cost of staying with them up to 30 days before the event

…and how easily you can get away from it all once you leave the city limits.

…that I have to take back most of what I ever said about Facebook. It has enabled me to re-establish contact with friends from way back and keep in week-to-week touch with others far more easily than via any other social medium.

…that there are still so many beautiful beaches to discover in Australia.

…that photography can be so much fun

...as well as being arty-farty.

…that I still derive so much pleasure from exploring this land and all it has to offer.

It's only words

I've worked with words all my adult life: first in book publishing; then as a ghostwriter; and, most recently, in magazines. It's hard for me to think, 'it's only words'. I love the use of language and the evolution of that usage. I'd like to think I'm not a stickler for grammar, but I have been known to get a bit cranky about the incorrect positioning of apostrophes. And the proliferation of dangling modifiers.

I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time, but I'm still not sure where to start. Perhaps with a headline I spotted earlier in the year: 'Furious Queenslanders dob in flood rorters'*. One of the attractions of coming to live in Australia was that we wouldn't have to learn a new language. In theory.

Usage and comprehension

Some Australian phrases I can work out from the context, even though we'd never say it in English. Some words you might find in an English dictionary but are seldom used: coronial enquiry; land gale; mortgage delinquency; muscle car; nature strip (grass verge); rort; swiftwater rescue; victimology.

Sometimes, even the simplest usage can be confusing. When you went into the CBD, did you find a park? Yes, the Botanic Gardens were lovely. No, no, a parking space.

Other times I haven't got a bloody clue what you're on about, mate. When I'm at the supermarket checkout; do I have flybuys? Talking to a neighbour; have I seen the body corporate rules? What on earth are camel packs? Does a muffler shop sell gloves, too?

Here's some help with translation:

Aussie battlers = struggling, lower-income families

backflip = U-turn (in politics)

bail up = to corner someone

bastardry = malicious or cruel behaviour

biffo = punch-up

billabong = stagnant pool

billy = small pot used by a bushman

blackfellas = Aborigines (blackfellas is not offensive;

 Abos is)

blacktop = tarmacked road

bloodnut = redhead

bogan = ill-educated person from low-income demographic**

bowser = petrol pump

camel pack = hydration pack worn on the back

chook = hen, chicken

cream = to beat

diggers = soldiers

doona = duvet or quilt

dudded = swindled

dunnie = toilet

durrie = cigarette

esky = cooler box

eventuate = to happen

fair dinkum = genuine; expression of surprise/acknowledgment

farewell = to lay to rest; give a send-off

freedom camping = not using a campsite

gerni = to (high-pressure) hose down

grass slashing = mowing the lawn

hoon = someone who drives fast and dangerous to show off

icy pole = ice lolly

ladder = league table

lolly = sweetie

lounge = sofa

lounge room = lounge

manchester = bed linen

ocker = a stereotypical Australian

onya (goodonya) = good for you, well done

over it = had enough

recreate = to spend leisure time

ridgy didge = all right, genuine, true

rort = dishonest practice

sanga = sandwich

scats = animal droppings

singlet = vest or vest T-shirt

skips = English-descent Australians (quite rude)

slasher = tractor-mounted mower

spruik = to harangue
squib = to flee, escape, be cowardly

stoush = fight or dispute

thongs = flip-flops

top score = to achieve the highest number of runs, goals etc

tucker = food

unit = apartment

whipper-snipper = strimmer

wog boys = Greek or other Southern Europeans (not offensive)

verbal = to twist what an opponent says in a debate

youse = you (plural)

Sayings

There are lots, of course, but these are some favourites:

He couldn't make a decision if a train was about to hit him

He couldn't raffle a chook in a pub (useless)

I'm flat out like a lizard drinking (busy)

She was as mad as a bag of cut snakes

To throw an echidna among the balloons (upset the apple cart)

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

Don't be a galah (stupid)

Don't come the raw prawn with me (treat me like an idiot)

Whatever blows your skirt up

He couldn't lie on a bed straight

To do a Maralinga (do the dirty on someone)

She'll be apples (it's OK)

Short forms

Everybody knows the Aussies love short forms:

Abo, ambo (paramedic/ambulance), arvo, avo, barbie, bikie, boardies (surfer's long shorts), breakie, Chrissie, chrysies (chrysanthemums), cosie (swimsuit), doco (documentary), footie (rugby or Aussie Rules), freshie (fresh water crocodile), garbos (dustbin men), hedgies (hedge cutters, clippers or trimmers), journo, kindie (kindergarten), leggie (leg rope attaching a board to a surfer's leg), pines (pineapples), pollies, postie (postman), Quickie (Quiksilver surf and lifestyle brand), rashie (rashguard, protective swimwear), rego (registration plate), rellies, renos (renovations), saltie (saltwater crocodile), schoolies (Year 12s and their end-of-school celebrations), servo (petrol station), sunnies, toolies (attendees at the schoolies' end-of-final-year celebrations but who left school last year or even longer ago), tradie, ute (utility vehicle)

And place names don't escape: Breakie Creek, Brizzie, Coochie (Coochiemudlo Island), Freo (Freemantle, WA), The Gabba (stadium in Woolloongabba, South Brisbane), Rocky (Rockhampton), Rotto (Rotnest Island, WA), the Sunnie (Sunshine) Coast, Straddie (North Stradbroke Island), Tassie

Maybe it's just too hot to be bothered to say the whole word.

Verbosity and tautology

The Aussies may abbreviate loads of words, but sometimes their sentences are massively overcomplicated. On the back of a charity Christmas card we were sent it said: 'Spotlight's Stitch in Time program is committed to enriching and supporting positive community development outcomes'. Eh?

Signs especially tend to be over-long. I can't help thinking 'Beware of snakes' would be more immediate and therefore more helpful than...

I mean, have any snakes been seen recently? There's a sort of inference that, even though snakes have been seen, they've never been a problem. Whereas everybody should be on guard against snakes at all times, even if there's only the vaguest possibility that one might appear. And what about simply 'No tipping' instead of...

I don't really know where to start with the sign below. The verb to swoop is intransitive, which means it can't have a direct object. Magpies swoop on, or upon, an intruder. An important piece of information is missing: when is the breeding season? And the advice to carry an umbrella: is it to beat off an attacker or open as a protective shield? How many people will bother to read all this?

Fish cleaning is prohibited on seats on the little ferry over to Coochiemudlo Island. To be honest, I'd rather there was no fish cleaning at all. I don't even want to see fish innards on the floor. How quaint that the ferry operator should tell us what the seating is for. In all my years of looking at signs, I've never considered what Notice means at the top of a notice? I know that what I am reading is a notice; so is it telling me to Take notice because it's saying something important? Does it really mean Attention or Warning?

By the way, something is either prohibited, or not. It cannot be partially or totally prohibited. And to prohibit prohibited goods is tautology.

Just plain weird

'Like a drowned man floating to the surface of the dam', Booker Prize-winning Australian author Peter Carey wrote in Theft. A dam is a construction that blocks a river, creating a lake, not the lake itself, goddamit. Travel brochures describe dams stocked with fish. No. Fish don't swim in concrete or rock. If I lived here until I was 100 I could never bring myself to call a lake a dam.

Bashed describes someone who's been beaten up, murdered even. Rather than being a very informal term, it is used in official statements by police and by news presenters. Shortly after we arrived in Australia, a notorious gang leader was 'bashed to death' in a Melbourne prison. All media reported it thus. The other day someone somewhere was 'hit over the head with a cricket bat': wasn't he 'bashed'? Am I missing something? Incidentally, there is an element of violence in quite a few Aussie expressions: grass slashing I've already mentioned; price gouging is charging unreasonably high prices; and how do you fancy smashed spring pea and cucumber salsa, or a smashed egg and lettuce sanga?

Why does Council never have a definite article?

Sometimes I can't help but feel that there's an element of contrariness – bolts and nuts; buck's night (stag do); a kettle of worms; saucer and cup; wickets for runs (in scoring cricket). And Aussies bunker down rather than hunker down. The latter is known as linguistic contamination, I have it on good authority.

Pronunciation
This may seem a more trivial topic but a funny thing happened to me last week. I was listening to President Hamid Karzai speaking at the Bonn Conference on Afghanistan. I kept thinking he was talking about tourism, but he looked very serious and it didn't seem an appropriate subject for such an occasion. In fact, he was saying 'terrorism'. Now do you see how important it is?

I have long agonised over the so-called long A. Shark Park, home of Cronula Rugby League Club in Sydney, is a great name for practising your Aussie accent. But I'm not sure know how to spell the 'ar' sound in order to help you. It is not as in pirates or cute kittens – 'ar' or 'ah'. I have enquired of a well-known linguistics expert who has a regular language spot on ABC Brisbane local radio but doesn't answer emails. This sound is almost as significant in identifying the key elements of an Australian accent as the HRT (high-rising tone or terminal) at the end of a sentence. The nearest I can get is as in aaagggghhhhhh!

But wait; this morning a possible breakthrough. Try this: first, make the sound of an 'a', as in cat. Now say 'a' quickly followed by another 'a', and another, like ca-a-a-t. Now pretend that 'park' doesn't have an 'r' in it at all, but several 'a's instead. Paaak. Shaaak Paaak. I live in New Faaam Paaak.

Australian English is non-rhiotic, which means an 'r' in a word is pronounced if it is followed by a vowel sound but not if it comes before a consonant or at the end of a syllable. So it is pronounced in 'rabbit' or 'watery', but not in 'car' or 'hard' or 'hear'.

All sorts of things are suddenly falling into place. Now I understand why Australians say:

year as if it were spelled yee-a

beer as if bee-a

mature as if ma-chew-a

picture as in pic-cha

and Twitter as if Twitta

Australian pronunciation isn't straightforward or consistent, however:

boutique is pronounced as if it were spelled beautique (bow-teek)

route as if it didn't have an 'e'

debut as day-boo or day-b-yew

pasta as if parster

Milan as if Milarn

Chile as if Chillay, with the emphasis on the 'ay'

maroon as if marone (rhyming with bone)

memo as if meemo

polo as if pollo (ie, a short 'o')

but yoghurt as if yOghurt (ie, a long 'o')

Right. Got all that off my chest.

Just one more thing. H. In the UK, if you pronounce 'aitch' as 'haitch' you're considered poorly educated and even a bit common. The same as if you added other letters that aren't there and said 'skellington' or 'mischievious'. Other differences in pronunciation are less loaded with loathing or ridicule: how do you say 'ate', 'garage', 'says' and 'schedule', as a matter of interest?

In Oz, three accents are usually recognised, none of them reflecting region, class, income or ethnicity. The Broad Australian Accent is spoken by Aussie blokes and not many women. It says, 'I am a man of the people who treats everyone equally; I am your mate' (see ex-PM Bob Hawke in a lively interview at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoq8_PlhBug). The General Australian Accent or Australian English Accent is associated with neither ideology nor stereotyping and many speakers don't think of themselves as even having an accent. Nicole Kidman is apparently a good example of this. Finally, there's the Cultivated Australian Accent, which is more sophisticated and spoken more by women (such as cultural ambassador Cate Blanchett) – and men who want to sound posh and statesmanlike.

So, back to H then. I have been told that in Australia it's the opposite of in the UK: posh people say 'haitch'. Hmmm. I have also read that it reflects a Catholic (haitch) or Protestant (aitch) upbringing. I'm searching for the definitive answer from Kath and Kim†, but in the meantime I'll leave you with this clip:
http://aso.gov.au/titles/tv/kath-and-kim-money/clip1/.

* Turns out many Brits understand the verb to dob in, meaning to report to the authorities, but where I come from, in the North of England, a dob is a poor buy, such as something you've just bought that doesn't work by the time you get it home

** This is an inadequate definition, but it had to be a one-liner (bloody designers)

† Award-winning Australian sitcom that has acquired something of a cult following, both at home and abroad

This post was last updated on 30 January 2012